utopia

moved

2006-08-04T15:22:00.000+08:00

to EVERYONE

i have moved click here(:

2006-08-02T16:13:00.000+08:00

UNDER CONSTRUCTION

syLvIA!!!! O MAN ~~~~
aRgh huh huh help me .. my links n tagboard gone la!!!
=(

2006-07-29T22:15:00.000+08:00

hockey is cool. but i still have lots to learn!!! argh.. Manjid, puts me up fer every game played w the csc girls or the combine sch girls, but it's damn pressurizing.. i noe nuts abt the game, all i noe is BALL FIRST BALL FIRST.. tts wat my hci coach used to say. Ha.. i miss playin softball, really i mean it.

there's always this part of me tt still misses him alot alot. i tink my sanity is buried. SIAO~

And then theres this another part of me tt feels lik takin my hockey stick n whack pj till she dies flat. but i WONT, cos i hate loosin frens. esp this really gd one. frens left me n hardly stays despit me tryin to tie the frenship to the spot where we first took off. i HATE proximate frenships. See the capped words? ha. back to the pt.. she's jus insane, and kept repeating the same thing w/o statin her pt. when she has it, she complains abt havin it, but she doesnt hav it, she complains abt not having.. for one thing, i m rather sure i m not lik tt. So PJ, dun worry, n u r yet a perfectionists, so u dun have to worry abt wat others or jq thinks of u.. can u jus be urself? i'll contd lovin u fer tt. im not the sort of bestie tt turn u down fer not bein the perfect girl. Perfections is ugly =)

ok syl and my shop's still under construction. hope we can make it big BIg n BIG. ha! n eva is uber funny i tell u, she has the hot butt tt pushes u to the brim of squeezin it, oops.

but i still need alot of soul searchin .. n comp tution. cos i duno how to use!!!!!!noob~

ok i jus left my comp fer 15 mins. PJ ran away after quarrellin w her mum. i m seriously v v worried now, n i have no idea where she is or else i;ll go look fer her now, n her phone no batt!!! o no o no.. i m seriosuly worried la can.. slap her face la.. too much is weighin down on her, but she shld learn to take it slowly n learn to c things frm my pt of view. i will help her =)

2006-07-27T19:36:00.000+08:00

eh i still dont noe how to post pics la!
o o o n i went out w nerd syl n eva today.. it's uber fun... i doubt anyone noes which sch to lodge a complain to cos we're always makin too much noise

i duno how to beautify my blog or else i;ll set up another one to sell my stuff.

and at least bambi bothered to msg me abt pam's bday n wat we r gna do.
the REST jus cant be bothered.. ahya i duno la.. even cx didnt reply my msg, pete sounded lik he cant be bothered, bear jus disappeared again, matt is lost. Nic will definitely involve but he went fer Asian a few days back n so i cldnt get him

we jus lost a frenship, or at least tts wat i tink. the only thing tt doesnt change is CHANGE. And we have to accept tt. but i cant accept the fact tt pple i trusted n valued so much actually cant be bothered any more. and pete actually have bad impressions of me, up till now. ok i seriosly duno wat's his prob. but oops, forgot to care...

i needa mug n mug n really mug. i tink i can, especially w pple i enjoy being w ard me all the time. at least i noe i can fall.

2006-07-25T23:00:00.000+08:00

o man!! i finally got a cool blog. ok not tt v cool cos (1)i dun "gluttonin" (2) i love B&J (3) it's not the sophiscated type tt i had in mind.. but once again
im hard to please.. so all thanks goes to SYLVIA CHAN. she created this blog for me when i jus said i lik white n elephants.. but where's the elephant?! hahaha
argh... im lik bloody tired everyday la. i jus feel lik sleepin tho ive piles of work to finish... lik nv ending... im seriously dead beat. it;s lik runnin n chasin sth. sometimes i jus kept askin myself why m i doin all these, is it worth the while, it;s stuoid when everyone's doin the same old thing, but jus gg faster n faster. i got back on track tho, jus tt it;s time to SPRINT. BESTIES! come join the league. -cheers-

n LEON TOLD ALVIN N ALVIN TOLD EVERYONE TT I M FAT
eh for one thing. leon hasnt seen me for more than 6mths, n pam said i slim down alot now ok. thanks to hockey. Leon jus makes me wanto vomit blood. o but i miss him alot, he;s afterall one of the few tt understands me to the optimum. cool huh.

i saw HIM yst. He was lik totally shocked n stunned n he jus stared blankly until i initiated the HI. then he seemed to break off the traunt.. WHY CANT U JUST BE LIKE BEFORE?as in when we were together.. argh ... he looked at me with the look when he first said hi to me...hai
Peijun shld kill herself then ill go n save her. Sylvia is happy go lucky after wat happened, n i wish i cld be lik her, tho i do feel sad fer her la.

You Know, last night,
i dreamt again
of u & me

and then i cried
again

POUR MON ANGE

2006-07-21T16:45:00.000+08:00

i realised my blog is UBER UGLY. n im a comp noob la! then nerd said she'll do one fer me but i m too lazy to look fer a blog skin. it's uber troublesome... dun u tink? ok maybe im e pig one.

o went out w nerd n 148 yst. it's been a long time since i had so much fun. esp wat happened durin holi.. everything we did yst was jus uber crazy n funny.. i need $ to buy stuff.. i duno where the hell 148 got all her bucks to buy so many things whenever we go out.

n i shldnt have gone to school today.. my head;s uber pain n im a little feverish now.. damn it la, n i noe im laggin alot alot alot behind my classmates. i didnt do my tutorials, at least they bothered copyin. ok but seriously, ive nv really lik copyin. id rather it be late then not understanding.

AND! i havent been spending .. hmm already fer 2mths. tts quite an achievement.. guess life;s pretty wearin me out, so i cant really be bothered abt what i have or dun have or wat i want. moreover, theres so many presents to buy. PAM's, EUGAN's, MY BRO's, BENEDICT's, MY COUSIN's... tt's alot can.. 5!!!! n i need to meet up w my frens real soon.. lik bear n pam n gang, & eugan n des n meow n gang, & sylvia!! i see pj practically everyday. wish her well, i tink she;s jus over reactin, not sometimes (tts wat she said) but always... hahah but she;s all tt i can ask fer as a bestie la.

i hate to admit i still miss u alot

To Bear

2006-07-19T09:53:00.000+08:00

u mean uve decided to move on without us? or at least me?
let's go out. our schs're jus a few bus stops apart, we can go island creamery!
lookin for u is lik goin on a search la. u;re almost so hard to find
u're always sleepin at chris house or home or fish tank
u r supppose to meet pj n i a few wks back durin blocks week but u went home instead without a hint of remembering. is it? n i need my book back

i will move on
n i will stop talkin abt it
n i mean it :D

POUR MON ANGE

2006-07-17T18:41:00.000+08:00

Love is addictive
Missing is unquitable

We're world aparts
but together we make a new paradise
Hold my hand & let's stroll in together

I'll be good
while waiting for you to love me again

I used to so be afraid of saying "I LOVE YOU"
but now you gave me the courage to

Somewhere out there
We are looking at the same moonlight
breathe the same scent

Is there a time when you miss me so much ,
supression had to be the only cure?
Why not let me know?

When will you be back?

i don't wanto loose you
And i dont wanto use you
just to have somebody by my side
i don't wanto hate you
but i dont want to be the one to cry
that dont really matter
to anyone anymore
And like a fool i keep losing my place
i keep seeing you walk through that door
it's sad when you know it's your heart i cant touch

Are there things that you wanted to say?
Do you feel me there beside you?
There beside you where memories flows

I prayed to GOD every night
All i ask is for you to be blessed
With no prove anyone could hear
Stay fine & happy
That's a way of telling me
GOD heard my every prayers

Pour Mon Ange

i suppose it all doesnt matter anymore huh. im talkin n likin this person tt doesnt exist. but ah well, doesnt matter. he doesnt read. especially my blog. so i suppose im only talkin to me, myself, i.... well tt;s pretty consolin cos there's at least 3 of me

2006-07-15T21:33:00.000+08:00

i duno if this is infatuation or wat but i love HOCKEY. my cousins r lik sayin hockey girls are bitches. not really lo. for one thing i noe im not. but my captain .. u can tell she's an angry baby, she gets pissed easily n she's one one the few im really scared of in sch n one thing is becos she's frm chij tp. the girls there r uber scary.
i read pam;s blog a few days back n she said sth abt not really lookin forward to her bday n stuff. i wonder if it's becos of US la. we started out perfect, then it continue gg on. then hongwei decided to drop out,n now peter n soon matt n cheng xian, im not sure abt cx cos ey r together. why have things got to get to such state?
is it right to say guys have the "watever" mentality? we have the choice to choose if we want things this way but basically the guys dun care. i may not be as enthu as pam cos fer one thing, tts my nature, but but but! i do care. in fact they matter alot to me, cos they r the pple i met at the junction n there after decided tt they are the ones tt i will stand by n wil stand by me. but it seems tt now, only pam n bear r willing to do so, but bear is lik rain, he's presence is not consistent. it's lik durin drought, u need him but no where to be found.
as fer pam, i noe she;s a very understandin person but u can tell she;s not one who likes to open up her feelings. maybe she feels it's addin burden to others problems n she jus dun feel the need to tell pple abt her stuff. to me, she's this perfectionists w taste.

for one thing, im tryin v v hard to not talk abt HIM. but i cant. i mean i can but it;s really painful. it's lik constant stabbing. maybe rite frm the start he doesnt even lik me. guys jus want flings w me, i cant understand y. pple say it;s cos of my flirt face. shut up.
yeah guess i'll still hold on. to every last bits.

i havent tell him how much i love him. never. i havent tell him how much he meant. never.

POUR MON ANGE

WHEN I DON'T TALK ABOUT YOU
IT DOESN'T MEAN YOU ARE FORGOTTEN
IT MEANS YOU ARE HIDDEN IN THE MOST SCACRED PART IN ME
RIGHT INSIDE HERE WHERE MY BLOOD FLOWS THROUGH WITH EACH THUMP

DO YOU MISS ME?
MISS ME ONCE IN A WHILE?

EVERY NIGHT I PRAY
WITH NO PROVE ANYONE COULD HEAR
STAY FINE & HAPPY
IT'S A WAY OF TELLING ME GOD HEARD ME

you'r still the one

2006-07-13T21:40:00.000+08:00

when i first saw u
i saw love
n the first time u touched me i felt love
n after all these time
you'r still the one i love

looks like we made it
look how far we've come up baby
we might have took the long way
we knew we'd get there some day
they said "i bet, they'll never make it"
but just look at us holding on
we'r still together
still going strong

you;r still one i want to
the one that i belong to
you're still the one i want for life
you;re stil the one that i love
the one that i dream of
you're still the one i kiss goodnight

AIn't nothing better
we beat the odds together
im glad we didnt listen
looking at wat we'd might be missing

they said "i bet they'll never make it"
but just look at us holding on
we're still together
still going strong

you're still the one i want to
the one that i belong to
you're still the one i want for life
you're still the one that i love
the one that i dream of
you're stil the one i kiss goodnight

POUR MON ANGE

songs are just songs
it'll be too good to be true

2006-07-12T22:52:00.000+08:00

thanks bear n pj
u guys r lik my really really gd frens tt really willing to stay by la.
my best fren is sort of "not equivalent" to my best fren anymore,
i always tot tt maybe im the one at fault.
n ive been tryin to find the fault. i found one or two n ive repent, i guessed, but i came to realise tt she;s the one tt had a 180' change la... she;s lik a total bitch now, i really hate to use tt word cos shes suppose to be my BEST FREN.
but guess tt's off now. honestly. but im not ready to let it go. Best fren is diff frm the guy u lik.
it's not suppose to be let go n "u can get another best fren la" .. it's diff ok.. but i seriously dun mind havin a Nj weirdo or Sleepin bear as my bestie. i tink bear hiberbates.

i duno wat. but im really gna mug fer promos. now. u noe i did badly. i got F fer econs n bio la!!! n fer the first time in my acade life, i got didnt get A for Maths!!! tts worst then an F for bio n econs.

im not christian but i pray fer benedict every single day. he shld stop slackin n really chiong fer A's la. i bet benny;s alr studyin n look at his brains, he's sure to get into med fac next yr la... i jus somehow didnt get all the smart genes in my family. tsk tsk..

come what may
i'l jus be as glad if we make it, at the end
we may take the long way
but you'll still be the one i love
the only i needa

POUR MON ANGE

2006-07-09T21:32:00.000+08:00

o god, will u jus let me cry?
dict msged me the nite b4 last.but! he cut off the conversation abruptly by not replyin half way at 1.30am. n im not sure if he fell aslp cos he prob either stayed up fer soccer or went off to bed so he could wake up at 3 to watch soccer. n the reason he msged me was only cos he read the bk.
n so he said "not tt ive nth to say but i duno wat to say. jus wan u to noe im really touched"
wadever... cos wat u meant by duno wat to say is "i dun lik u anymore but how do i put it across"
im sick n tired of all these tots, but i cant stop it. it's gone beyond the pt where self control is at my dispose.. ive lost touch w too many things.. so is it a blessin tt i didnt ctd stayin in tpjc? yeah maybe...
it looks lik the only thing i talked abt on my blog is dict dict n dict. so tts the reason y no one reads it. n now i really dun care.... im sick n tired of life, which is full of shit n joke
i didnt slp well last nite cos he didnt reply me n i noe i dreamt of him again n i noe i cried.
why do i always lik guys tt dun lik me? jeremy's case was excusable cos he DID lik me alot. but this time, sth;s jus wrong.. maybe rite frm the start he didnt even lik me, aside frm the fact tt i didnt noe he has a gf ok!!! yeah so much so fer sayin "i lik u alot n u hav my promise tt i'l break w her once A's over."

better be. but as stupid as everything seems, i will. wait. cos im dumb.
he stopped cos he has his reasons too n he prob;s tired of it since he has his studies weighin heavier than anything else. n i can tell it;s at stake now.

__________(who shall not be named) said "haha now u noe how it feels when u r rejected. u noe i lik u and honestly, he's such a jerk y r u doin this. not lik he;s any hunk or intellect"
hey do urself a big big favor n fuck off k? dun u dare comment on him. not lik u r pam or bear or eugan or pj, cos they meant well.
im suppose to concentrate entirely on my studies, hockey, helpin pple n SAVORIN A TEN YR FRENSHIP.
(i really hate to call her a bitch)

i will wait

POUR MON ANGE

2006-07-08T23:55:00.000+08:00

hockey trng today is siao la. but im startin to fall in love w it. at least i noe hockey is not lik benedict. hockey will me fer who i m cos i love hockey. u see tts e simplicity.

its like i tink he really doesnt lik me anymore la. it's awkward n ive nv want to walk back on relationships but this time i do. but evrything is lik freakin awkward now la. i really wanto talk to him but he only smsed me yst. which is one day. n tts it. eh but i tink i shldn be talkin to him all these shit cos his prelims is less than 60days away n he hasnt really studied la. ok la not lik ive been studyin too. ive lost the passion n i need it back.

life goes on per normal, wit prayin as part of my everyday now. it's weird when i no longer prayed fer myself but fer benedict. only. it's really dumb. uber. cos where on earth is ther such a stupid person lik a guy until lik tt. if the guy is worth all these n he loves u as much too y not, but the point is. he doesnt, im referin to the latter. so here he goes again. not replyin my msg again. he doesnt read my blog, u noe. no one does. so tts pretty gd

i'll move on
knowin my heart stays
love is a paradox
this is how it works

god will bless
n all i want is to watch over
sayin tt i jus wan him to be good n happy
is a total understatement
my extent has gone beyond the universe of words

POUR MON ANGE

2006-07-08T00:06:00.000+08:00

i hate it when the damn laptop is not in my rm n my damn bro disconnectin it every nw n then
but i lik my bro. cos his gf is awesome. she's damn nice to me la. er .. hahaha!!!yeah i lik him fer who he is

i seriously owe eugan alot. seriously alot.
he passed the bk to dict today. n im honestly not expecting it. i jus hope he reads it. which is quite difficult. considerin the fact tt he doesnt bother. i liked the wrong guy at the wrong time at the wrong place. my promos n his prelims r less than 60 days away. i want to do well. i want to get back on track. but i want him to do really well too. im worried. i dont noe!!!!

ok can someone at least letme know if he;s fine. if he's movin on well

2006-06-28T19:13:00.000+08:00

im constantly bloggin these days maybe cos my diary's runnin out of pages. hai
im angst. im worn out. nth seems to be worth doin anymore. i cant study. nth jus make sense anymore. i jus totally screwed up blocks but mayb if im lucky enuff fer maths, v well then , cos i tot it's moderately easy.
my heart;s achin lik badly. i noe when some1 doesnt lik u anymore u shldnt push it cos love shldnt be forced. it's jus bad. no one bothers readin my blog anymore. it's seriously jus a blog now, wher u write down everything n then , no1 noes. perfect? argh
i need a breather.. i hate growin up. it sucks. everything now doesnt seem to have a purpose. y m i studyin y m i trng y do i even bother talkin...
guess i havent grown up. theres so many things im confused abt, so many things i dun dare to do, so many things i wished i havent said, n so many things i want to say to benedict but i didnt dare, not even the past mths when we were together.
then Bear tols me yst abt wat pete said abt me, lik wtf? im totally messed up now. theres no one to stand by. im jus really scared. y for the entire 17yrs tt ive been livin, i always have to give up twice or thrice of it;s actual price?no one noes me well, but the prob lies w me. n i noe it. but im jus not doin anything abt it.

ive hurt u bad enuf. But do u noe how much ive been hurt?
i stand by u n ask fer god's blessings
cos all i want is a beautiful life fer u
when i said i dun mind the wait, i mean every single word
when i know u love her more than me, all i can do is to let it be,
cos that's e way when u'll be happy.
when u'r safe n fine
i feel at ease
when u'r down n devastated
my inner soul soul tear n cry

can u hear me?

2006-06-27T22:10:00.000+08:00

my chem's gone. honestly. i cant do a single shit.

went out w bear today to study. it's been so long since i got in touch w my inner soul. he's jus really a fren. like FRIEND. cos i realised ive so many fake frens ard me. ive nv experience real frenship. where nth but jus each other matters. o n i love peijun too. now, im jus really scared of pple. i wan to be authistic. i want to hit pple tt comes near me. i hate fake things. i jus want it simple n real. i hate to grow up.

dont judge me when u dun noe me. jus keep the comments to urself.

n i miss dict. im serious. i didnt noe i lik him this much. everyone may tink i talk too much n im v random. but im scrared of expressing. theres so many things tt i wanted to but didnt dare to open my damn mouth to say to him. lik how impt is he to me. it's not jus now tt im sayin this. ive put it down in a bk since march n wanted to give him on his bday. but ive stopped writing. theres so many things i duno how to express it out to him. i jus went on n on talkin nonsense. guess i didnt have tt chance anymore. i suck. totally.

where r u when i need u? real badly?

i finally realised when u lik someone. u go to ends fer him. n im a noob n idiot tt doesnt noe how to express it out.. when m i learnin? when u lik someone so much so tt. it doesnt matter anymore if theres return love. u jus feel happy as long as he's happy n blessed. all u want is to be his guardian angel. stay behind to pray fer him esp when it's so hard to talk to him. im bloggin this down. cos i noe i can write my tots out. so much better than speakin. i jus wan to keep writin n writin. for tt person whom i love so much, for Bear fer being there, n fer peijun who;s jus awesome.

i pray to god to their safety. n fer PJ to stop self inflictin stress.
thank god.

n it's dumb to jus keep writin when he doesnt even read n noe.
but i'll still keep it gg
until the end of time
^______________________,^

2006-06-26T16:18:00.000+08:00

bear called me last night la! woo .. ive to wait 1mth fer his savour call, ah but better late than nv.. tho it's kinda very late. i hate blocks. ok i mean who does. Chinese paper was lame , so was econs. but ive nv passed econs.. n wad i did was to crap thru. shit luck. tsk tsk ..
im eatin fine but my gastricitis seemed to be comin back again la. fug.
n gerard said to me today "u noe u got flirt look. like u have e look tt says "im able to 3time guys" ..." hey wtf la... for gdness.. i noe im nv lik tt
n i was still so sad since tt duno which day till now.. i used to brag to peng tt im not one tt holds on to relationships.. but i tink i do. i said tt to her cos i realise i dun lik some1 so easily. n now once again, i m a pile of shit.

i duno wad made me so worried but i tink i was more worried fer him yst than fer myself. hai...
n i had the impulsion to throw away ttt little book of so many things i wanted to tell him.. i realised im very mutlti masked.. im scared tt pple noe e very real me.. n im scared to open up.. so far i tink i really opened up everything to Bear la.
but i sorta decided tt i'll keep the bk n give it to him on his bday together w a Bvlgari. but ive stopped writin in tt bk.. lik ever since tt day he said well let's stop...

i hate fakeness. i jus want genuine. as in in btwn frens n i hate proximity frenships. wheres the frens i held on so tight n close to? bear is lik semi gone but he do come back at times fer a lil hug. bamby is always there. but where's the rest?

All of the memories so close to me will stay awake
ALl these time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending

ive lost my sanity

2006-06-24T15:25:00.000+08:00

i dun wna lose u. i dun wna use u. jus to have someboday by my side. n i dun wna hate u. i dun wna take u. but i dun wna be the one to cry. do u understand?

that dun really matter to anyone anymore but like a fool, i keep losin my place.n i keep seein u walk thru tt door. but theres a danger in lovin somebody too much n it's sad when u noe it's ur heart u cant trust. theres a reason y pple dun stay wher they r. my dear, somtimes love jus aint enuf.
now i cld nv change u, i dun wna blame u. yes i may hav hurt u but i did not desert u. mayb, jus maybe , i jus wna have it all.
it makes a sound lik thunder, n it makes me feel lik rain. and lik a fool who will nv see the truth i keep thinkin sth's gna change. tt's y i said. theres a danger in lovin somebody too much.
n now theres no way home when it's late at nite n im all alone. Are there things tt u wanted to say? do u feel me there beside u on e bed? there beside u where i used to lay.
it's sad when u noe it's my heart u cant touch.
and now. ive lost my sanity.

but i thank u fer rockin' my world. things change, memories wont.
i pray fer _____ every nite la. n i duno y m i doin this too. argh cherie cherie, u'r uber crazy crazy. im jus worried abt him. i guess.. o blocks r comin. n seriously, fer the first time in my academic life, i noe, i will, do badly. i started studyin only on thurs. n bio is lik.. one whole thick shit.anyw my tag board is jus below. so by any means u cant see, jus scroll down.

2006-06-17T22:51:00.000+08:00

i think i should be beheaded
my heart is misleadin me n inevitably im misleading my FAITH
i went to a church today
ok no big deal
i prayed to their God
ok no big deal
but i reached out to LORD n i mumbled sth n i sorta feel lik cryin

the something was tt
i prayed fer *him
i prayed fer him to be a better person, to stop procrastinating n to be like a real man
n not to go rd flingin w pple
i prayed fer *him to have a life tts meaninful n have aims
n above all i prayed fer his safety n happiness
i didnt really phrase it well but yeah i did mean it
i said i;lll stop talkin abt him cos i jus want everythin to go , lik it's nv happened
but on e other hand, since it;'s alr happened i really dun wna let go
it;s lik u noe u shldnt be eatin icecream cos it makes u fat, but once u lay one spoon in, u sorta want it to jus contd
weird analogy but it's true!!!

The fear of growing love, is the growing fear of loosing

is this seriously jus part of growin up? lik all these missin shit, the lost of faith/manipulation of faith part of growin up too? m i in e process of metamorphosis? or m i jus resisting it? but i dun want to stop growin. it;s so fun.
ive been repeatin this to eugan "i miss *him." is sth gg to happen to me?my buddy n i were talkin abt it (some1 tt doesnt noe him) .. n my fren said it;s retribution, after all wat id done to other guys. but hey look, i dun make out w other guys or wad, n he;s lik e first n may b e last. lik wat the fug?

but all ive written here is safe. cos he DOESNT READ. thumbs up =P
i feel lik super dumb'
it seemed lik i got ditched by some retard
n i fell fer him w/o even tinkin (there u go, tts how strong love is) but wadeva
cos most prob on his part, im jus suppose to be a fling, u finish the plate of cuisine, wipe ur mouth n leave the seat
wad? u tink i m a bitch is it? fug la. n yet im so stupid. i allowed him to finish the plate of cuisine, not exactly, but ah u got the flow.
im sad n messed up. but all i did was to pray. for him. which god? damn, i really duno

i pray every single night
for ur happiness n safety
i pray every single night
hopin tt one day u will jus wake up n realise how much u love life
i pray every single night
in the name of my missing, my tears
i pray every single night
hopin tt one day u will realise how precious pple ard u r
i pray every single night
hopin tt one day, u aspire, great
i pray every night
hopin tt u will understand
the only thing i did not pray
was fer u to miss me
cos if it's so, then i wont be hurtin so much

2006-06-14T19:20:00.000+08:00

in my previous(duno exactly which one) entry, i said "i m diggin my own grave" .. well i finally finished digging n finally burried myself in it. i tink i dug alot, v v deep. so u can actually say i m way below ground level. visit me pals. maybe a few mths or yrs later, who noes, i'll crawl out of grave. but fer now, im still inside. havent really move up.

i really dun wan to talk abt it. i can. but i cant stop thinkin abt it. missin someone so badly is lik bein buried in a heve of cow dung. it;s lik outa sudden, u r jus all alone. one person. it;s jus super lonely n when u r lookin fer pple to stay by to keep company or jus need a shoulder to cry on, theres lik none. i mean even when eugan tried to help, i didnt wan to waste his time talkin to me, cos he needs to spend time with germaine. yes n i understand tt.

then leon read my corny poem (jus below). then i realised how corny my poem sounds.n i sorta rmbed the times i used to spend with my gd frens. another type of life n fun frm those i had when dict was ard. lik somewhat brighter n prettier. not lik i didnt have fun w dict but it's another type of serenity. hmm i cant phrase it well. u got e flow ,u go w it, so naturally, somehow, in e end, u;ll understand what i mean.

yes i do miss him alot. but now. i sorta want to keep it aside. lock it up. n then tts it. i wan to move on. tho "moving on" means letting go, forget abt wat precious memories those were, then carry on a new life.

i guess the time with benedict was lik gg on summer vacation. to somewhere really beautiful but hidden w dangerous loops here n there. n ever since i went to a new college. it's lik summer vacation has ended and im back where i was. n wat happened on tt "island" was only meant to be kept but not bringin it back on track. my analogy is weird but tts how i feel.

im suppose to study
but i cant
seriously, my mind jus drifts off n off n off back to tt island back at tt time
stupid
lik extremely stupid
arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i hate me!!!

Adieu~ Mon Cherie

2006-06-08T22:48:00.000+08:00

Now all alone where the day wakes
the inability to differentiate dawn or dusk plagues
the air i breathe turns cold & damp
For now, a bleeding heart , sank

Afterall, this is too short for a dream

I saw two
but it's not us

Do you miss me? Not even the slightest?
So i see
Have you ever loved me?
Why not just be honest?

Love has worn & torn me

Not a single dust lingering
But memories' staying
somewhere here closest to me
somewhere here, deepest in my heart

This is why.
This is so.
I Love You

Adieu Mon Cherie

2006-06-05T20:37:00.000+08:00

my heart's deeply pierced
i m hurt fer sure
but it doesnt matter any more now
im willing to use my every last bit
and savour every breadth
to love and shield him
frm any crude n pain

im learning to let it go
with tears emplifying every pain
on every edge of e deepest wound

may he be hugged in God's neverdying love
may he be happy n joyful
may he perserve in life's hardships
may he aim fer great heights
may he have a sympathetic heart n a righteous mind
may he love his most beloved with the greatest heart
n
may he be, a much better person

God will bless
i will pray

^_____^

2006-06-04T21:38:00.000+08:00

this sucks totally... lik really totally
ive nth left to say but jus a broken heart
ive so many things to tell
but my thorax's clot w cells
theres so many things i didnt dare say
cos im nt tt v expressive even others see i may
my poetry sucks
n i totally noe i suck
cos my mind's in a desperate chaos now

wateva man.. my poetry really sucks .. n these entire thing really sucks
if we see this comin or if HE saw this comin he shld have initiated e precaution by not even gettin close to me. he noes i lik him .. but meow said he doesnt lik me.. n i ought to have seen this comin ... u tink im god ah.. no!! maybe this ending's e best way out .. fer him.. but nv fer me...

i jus dun understand y i m still clingin on to all those emotions la.. theres alot of pple who think im a flirt.. lik a fling fling sort of person .. but no can .. when i dun lik a guy i will say no n wont even allow him to come any closer la.. pls im not tt bitchy or wadva

lucky thing now is tt he cant read my blog cos he cant be bothered.. but i;ll pray fer him.. may god light up his path n take him in good hands... may he lead a happy life hereafter.. may he stop procrastinating in life n have a reachable aim .. god will see him

when did i get so liti? nvm
i noe all these is jus my own part of doin n y bother likin someone so hard when tt person doesnt even lik u or wad shit..
i need med.. dun worry guys, blog is where u vent so yes im n will be fine.. se my smile? there u go =) it'll take quite a while god will bless

2006-06-03T15:25:00.000+08:00

argh.. my mind;s lik in a total mess! i even dreamt of uracil n thymine n dNTP, dun ask me how, i jus did. i even dreamt i converted n meow's smilin at me.

o n er to ******Loh, stop assumin tt i will lik u cos i wont!!!n i said tt straight into ur face when u asked!stop assuming things jus becos i said "uh i tink u'r nice". nth will happen btwn us cos i wont allow it to happen! jus *uck off ok.u;r doin me a great favor.y not try the girls in ur sch? arent ey cool? lik in white n green.n really short skirts. even my cousin liks la.Pls jus stop bugging, we can still be frens.n stop loud hailin btwn us! cos theres nth to loudhail abt.n stop askin abt jem cos i dun wan to tell.thanks alot for ur offer but nope. u'r freakin me

ha im feelin much better now. sometimes u can jus talk shit on blog n tt person wont noe.

Big Big English Bear

2006-06-01T10:00:00.000+08:00

eh u stupid bear
where have u been man?!! missing? even ur mum doesnt noe ur whereabts..
my life's pretty messed up now but at least i noe wat's trigonal planar when bambi can actually call it molar. when will be e next time we'll be out together again? is it becos of jus one person tt we all no longer can hang out? pls dun... dun let sth ruin everything.. er. got my point? i cant really phrase it well.. i miss the times when im tellin pete all those things , be it stupid or sweet, tt happened to me.. i miss all those times when we'r doin some shit gossipin.. i miss ratata's shriek even tho it's deafening.. i miss cat's fat criticisms.. u noe im always bangin into unnecessary pple lik TS but i always walked away... only crazy girls yearn to see him.. but i cant admit tt im alr crazy, but nth to do w him...

u noe im lik some super skeptic now.i duno wat's wrong w me now.. sometimes i'l jus wake up feelin sad.. but sometimes i'll jus wake up n tot wat ive been sad over doesnt make sense at all.. i mean frm a heartless point of view.. i needa study for my ct.. im not sure of myself this time.. tho theres such a thing as memory is the thing tt nv fails u unless u mistreat it by not storing any .. but bear!!!! ive lost my drive! tts the dearest thing tt i cant afford to loose.. but fuck man...u noe it's becos of who tho i told pete it doesnt matter anymore... it's damn controversial la.. it's lik one hand im sayin it;s e cause. then it jus struck me tt "hey idiot u'r jus exagerating things"

im tryin to settle my emotions now n get back on track...it;s all RIDICULOUS... but ridiculous things exist due to e existence of mankind.. so who r we to blame.. hehe bet u'r gna start ur liti preaching again .. pls do... take care my fren ... (take ur damn medicine la)

Mais ... ...

2006-04-25T22:37:00.000+08:00

Jeu Au-dessus

it's damn freakin sick to get involved in this kinda shit
apparently he doesnt care .. even if he noes he chose a deaf ear

wat bear said is lik so true ... tt fat shld have called me la.. ok la .. not his fault, i shld be e one callin bear..

i seriously feel lik smackin him right in e face n tell him to wake up.. both of us took e worng step... maybe? we crossed path, it's time to leave... tho it's a tough depart.. but i tink fer him it's jus lik " dun hav then dun have lo"

it's a bit senseless to reck up certain things now. but it's inevitable and sooner or later it'll come so why not now?
it's so dumb la.. i think if it's him he'll jus heck care la.. but well, tts jus him.. not me
im not tryin to insult him or anything but tts jus how i feel right now
cos im angst

love is patient
love is kind
it does not envy, it does not boast
it is not proud, it is not rude
it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered
it keeps no wrongs
love does not delight in evil but
rejoices with the truth
it always protects, always trusts
always hopes, always perserveres
- hello sucker tan, no offence la, but did u jus write this piece of nonsense in my notebk?

you lie for a reason, and i accept for a reason
lies are told jus because the truth is excruciating

God bless (the word"god bless" has no boundaries so dun ask y it sounds so christianly)

i feel so stupid la
like my intellectual capacity dropped by alot (not lik ive plenty ya but... it dropped by alot)
and apparantly he's acting dumb.. lik always ..
ok la maybe im jus takin this too much in my part
he HAD his fun but i have the urge to kill
but why cant he open his god damn mouth to say sth?
im lik FOREVER talkin to the wall

but hey im not guy
so i wouldnt understand
so now u know why guys turn gays n girls turn les
becos it saves lots n lots of trouble

J'ay desiré cent fois me transformer,
et d'estreUn espirit invisible,
afin de me cacherAu fond de vostre coeur,
pour l'humeur rechercherQui vous fait contre moy si cruelle apparoistre

Mais

Je Amour te

i am digging my own grave

2006-04-23T08:39:00.000+08:00

i tink im seriously digging my own grave by liking someone i shldnt like
cos he's attached and happy in his own world
i tink im an asshole
cos im uncertain abt how he feels n i hate to guess
it makes me waste my brain cells unnecessarily
i tink im a pest
cos he's always ignoring whatever serious things i say
i tink im insane now
cos my heart is aching

but i tink im giving up now
im gna step out
n let things resume the way it's suppose to be
i dun wan to be the 3rd party

(P.S. this is not a poem so dun ask why it sounds weird)

o F*** man .. it's sinful to like someone cos im not suppose to .. as in not this point of time n not this person... and it's really weird to say tt , yes, i really **** him.. everything now jus sounds really wrong... im angry and im piss, esp when he lies to me... he's not a very good liar tho ...meow told me to talk things over w him. but o well, he nv gets serious. n im too scared to speak .... cant he jus initiate? F***er....

and i really hate my PW grp... that idiotic jerome is really pissing me off.. all he do is to give negative feedbacks abt our topics n yet there isnt a single suggestion comin out frm him la n we havent even finalise our topic.. dun push it man .. im glad i ticked him off.. n shawn's tryin too hard. i can tell he wants to be a good leader n he wants compromisements.. but hey, a leader is there to navigate n conclude....

im in a total mess now... dear frens, rescue me
and so sry bambi, seriously v bz.. will call u asap when time permits. even if it's half an hr

2006-04-20T19:19:00.000+08:00

o my god..... im such an asshole la.. sign up for a blog n i hardly blogged n my template's really ugly cos im a comp noob... hai..

u know it jus feels so weird recently... i couldnt exactly concentrate.. im not sure if it's regarding Ben. i never ever should have a crush on a playboy.. not lik i'll loose to him but .. wait, is this a mental game? And why on earth should i be havin a crush now? now when i shld be enjoyin life n my new frens n my old frens... n esp now im gettin busier n busier.. this sucks.. nvm.. when u hit rock bottom, at least u noe things wouldnt get any worst...

ben n i will jus be infatuated with each other.. he'll be back with val v v soon n i will continue makin new goals n maybe sometime or another flirt my eyes ard..
im rather glad ben wouldnt noe wat im thinkin now, wat im writin here, cos he jus didnt tink tt i have my blog add on frenster. i can committ if i wan but ... ... i can admit tt i do L*** him but ... it's jus L***.. o well , but i jus did..he doesnt prove to me security. we did horrible stuff n i tink i shld really go bang my head n die now or sth ... i hate guessin wat he's thinkin cos it;s really not nice. im always tryin to be nice n step deeper to understand him. but theres always this unbreakable wall in between..
partly's my fault too. he;s always thinkin he noes me well. but i dare say no. i cant talk to him abt certain things i talked to Leon. will someone pls enlighten me?

but im always laughin ard him =) he makes me happy despite watever things

but at the end of the day, cherie is still cherie, always practicality over love..

im in love with SAM antha now.. im always makin fun of her.. cos it's damn fun and she;s really one of the few pple tt u can really talk to n play w.. i noe im damn mean cos im always calling her fat lard..

n i love Take The Lead... o my..

but
im once again
so
very confused

i want committment but never will i committ to swimming
the pple r lik uber dao tho i cant say ey'r personality wise sucks la, cos i dun noe them in person
i want to join hockey but selection's alr over n i missed it
same goes fer dance, maybe i'll jus crash n see abt it

i miss leon too.. i want to savor a broken frenship tt's alr seabed deep. he's lik dao-in me la. jus becos he told me he **** me n when i said i jus lik him as a really nice person since theres no chemistry tho i wish there would. ....

2006-04-02T08:57:00.000+08:00

i feel so retarded out of a sudden. im always blogging at weird hours esp when the time difference between my latest blog & the last one is lik so big ... i feel so retarded maybe becos im hanging out wit a retard called benedict hong. duno wats wrong with him la.. it's a very wrong assumption tt when both parents r doctors, their offsprings doesnt necessarily have to be what u call intellectual or smart....
im starting to like it at cj tho i m still v upset at the fact tt the moe web has some du,b prob tt it actually drop me at cj with my score!! idiot!! iv not really blended in yet but yes, up to now, i dare say i love my class despite being vandalized almost every single day tt mr yee wanted to make xy & i stand in front of class & let them do the vandalizin on us.
but im still very sad at the fact tt MY CLIQUE seems to be breaking up (rapidly). it seriously feels as tho age & time & venue are the enzymes that is acting vigorously, breakin the kinda strong bonds we used to have some long time ago... it's no more abt chilling out often tt is the prob, it's the sense of close frenship is starin to break up... and nevertheless , indeed we'r hanging out lesser & lesser...
im pretty worried abt hongwei tho.. he sounds so stressed up & seems to v troubled or sth , esp w peter n matt .. but he havent updated me on anything despite commentin on my blog tt he will... & another thing tt worries me's his epilapsy... hope he;s getting better...
another thing is tt im in swimming now.. volleyball's really cool ! but u need to be experienced to be in , which is stupid, but watever it is, at least jocelyn's with me in swimming & hope i'll really committ... hai................

i wonder when's the next time i'll blog la...someone lik me wouldnt blog everyday .. why report ur everyday life to the dumb comp,not lik im sayin u cant or wat la.. but watever it is, yes i admit im really lazy .... maybe ONE DAY i'll blog every day .. when i manage to get my personal laptop in my room la

i miss alot of people. i hate growin up... memories fade & all it can do is to "live in ur deepest heart"...so superficial...

i miss pamela,i miss cat, i miss pete, i miss bamby, i miss bear, i miss matt, i misss dicky, i miss lay peng, i miss xing yan , i miss jia yi.. many many more

so long folks...

2006-02-23T20:47:00.000+08:00

im finally blogging... again....
i got my results but apparently Cherie aint pls with it n she started feelin really upset abt it cos she really love it there at hci ...
ok cherie's jus bein an insignificant retard, so we shld jus ignore her

hmmm, where shld i start ....
went out wit B******* on *****.. We ***** , *** **** & **** *** ** ...Ya he's definitely a nice guy but on second tots , my heart said "no no" Cos sth tells me he ****** ...
if U happen to read this , hmm .. jus pretend u havent read it ...

o ya n i crashed hci again today... somehow i really love it there ... theres always a misconception tt hc pple are nerds thru n thru but definitely not la.. look at eva n pam, cmi fer nerds .. look at yong zhi, tts worst , looks lik drunkard, not nerd.. oobs ... hahaha ey've red nose day tmr organised by e sc .. i tink we shld do tt too .. n not lik im criticisin (excessively) but i tink isky wisky shld be more on n not so dull (despite bein told by meow tt he rocks). And our sch's principal shld jus go n die or sth , cos she's damn dull & uninnovative...

i tink LEON changed too.. somehow but duno really noe in wat way.. it jus feels this way ...

anyw i promised to give nilala free amaths tuition & i will .. jus hope tt i rmb wadeva ms chee taught n dun mess up her (already messed up) mind...

TO THOSE WHO READS MY BLOG:
PLS TAG & NOT TEXT/ JUS READ.........!!!! THANK U

Jus prayi get posted to any of my top few choices tho i'd really love to stay cos theres meow, isky, mr 186, ms lim, 06s02, rif, poh kok chin,shangri, etc

2006-01-26T21:42:00.000+08:00

let's jus say i'll be much happier if jeremy didnt msg & wish me on my bday... tho ive to admit i'm happy to hear it frm him... argh.... im happy with my frens now, im different.. but theres still sth tuckin at e side of mind...sth i tot time would heal... let's jus say.. his reappearance reminded me of past

Cherie, wat's wrong with u?!

wake up!

2006-01-26T21:21:00.000+08:00

yup so we went out e day before my bday, which is sunday, to celebate matt's & my bdays... it's so amazing wad simple things gd frens do which really brighten one up... ey actually got me this really nice case cos ey tot my previous one was ugly(i agree too) . & ey actually got me another fossil watch! it's real nice.. & bear got me another Pony bag tt we tot was nice!! e gifts were really nice tho i noe it's (afterall) very ex.... ey blindfolded e both of us & brought us frm suntec all e way to e rooftop at esplanade.. then theres this big "happy birthday" paper banner!! it's certainly very sweet of em... Cat bumped me into some metal pole on e way there... & it's so embarassin cos ey messed up my hair & theres so many pple staring at city link! but it was afterall very worth it.. haha .. comin up next will be cat's bday , so gotta start plannin!!

U Guys R my best buddies ... (for now?)

2006-01-15T23:36:00.000+08:00

ah haha im finally bloggin again!!! haha .. o i was flipping thru some articles abt frens & it suddenly struck me abt mine... & it came to me tt CLOSE By is NOT equivalent to CLOSE FRENS... yup so it;s proximity frenship, developed simply by being in the same place. We meet these by-default frens in e various stages of our lives. yup so aside frm physical distance, proximity frenships are also shaped by functional distance, which refers to the liklihood of 2 or more pple coming into contact cos of shared activities.. such as xSLC..

so for frenship to blossom beyond mere proximity, 2 factors come into play: similarities & intimacy.. which also refers to US... but wat is true & how well do u noe if it's really true?
We'r not very physically close, esp when im at one end of e island n u guys r some where in bukit timah.. We werent lik before, i mean our grp's expandin(which may be a gd thing) but somehow i missed e oldies... (like how mum & dad missed their teng li jun songs haha)

maybe becos im not smart enuff to get in THERE.. yup i love my frens at e new sch but i definitely missed havin so much fun with e same clique of pple...
i seriously hate growin up.. things have to change, sometimes for the better, but i still stubbornly love e old ones.. hahaha

maybe im jus being paranoid

Do u rmb when we first met & bonded?

Well then , it's time to go the distance

Where'll we be in 5 yrs time?

i'll crunch & savour every moment

LET's GO!!!!!!

(o man, is it very liti? argh pls tag & not text thanks!)

2006-01-01T21:45:00.000+08:00

had e best yet gross countdown ... it's best maybe becos it's my first .. im such a noob .. lol.Anyway e initial fun was e party sprays, wit all e ribbons & foam.Then came e poppers. Didnt noe bear was so afraid of it la! so hilarious! it's lik king kong screamin becos he saw a mouse.. hahahahah! So we'r all pretty clean at this point. but Fat cat started spittin sprike. then peach tea, water, & finally squahed bananas. It wasnt suppose to be like tt ok! we'r suppose to eat e bananas! But we'r totally insane, e senseless game jus went on & on.. Those bangalas actually found us amusin & started luffing.. but it's really gross, come to think of it. E drinks were all warm, & ey werent simply softdrinks but more of cocktail(softdrinks + saliva). which means we were drenched, drenched in some .. i duno wat ever u call it... Rojaks? haha

anyw we ran into a nearby shower & got ourselve drench again but this time in water, then took a cab to nic's hs. e cab driver was pretty frenly, he jus started talkin & talkin. i guess i was e only one who didnt bother to open my mouth.

so at nic's hs, bear & i were e only 2 who didnt swim.. damn cold la.. moreover i wouldnt wan additional chlorine on me.lol. But then e excitin part came. We drank rum. yeah tt was light, So we went for e red wine. Matt was e first who got down. He was burnin red all over.. freakin red.. u could actually see e red in e dark la! Then came pam. yup this was e worst(maybe).. she jus started luffin & luffin & luffin very loudly.. She said some really weird things tt made bear luff. so now he's drunk too.we have 2 pple luffin very loudly for no reason, luckily matt had a very tame personality so it was most prob under control.
yup .. so came e 3rd or shld i say 4th party.. cheresa...the only thing she said n did was luff n "no im not drunk. im jus sober" .. it was really a hard time to shut them up in e hs & get em to bed...luckily cat nick bamby & i were fine! survivor! but in e end.. nick got drunk too
so we'r left wit 3 survivors.

Apparently, ey jus went mad. Bear, pam & cheresa kept luffin & fallin & goin "im not drunk im jus sober"..then pam took her shorts, but luckily e shirt was long & big.. or else.. erm... hahaha they actually wanted to play bridge.. but after 15min, not a single game got started
bear started doin really bad mental calculations & he went "i know wat's 4 x 4! it's 15!" so i lied to him tt it was 24 n he actually said " really? 4 x 4 is 24? o ya make sense , it ends with a 4"
Nic & cheresa spent almost e entire time talkin abt miniature mahjong sets, n u bet, e speeches jus repeat & repeat.. e same...

but damn tired .. didnt really slp well, only 4 hrs.. pam & *** were damn noisy, which made bamby awake , which made him agitate me. tsk tsk....

i tink i can really conclude this as a fun countdown? i suppose so .. lol.. happy new year to all & to me
hahha

The Second Shop (for Leon as an apology)

2005-12-21T16:00:00.000+08:00

Was talkin to Blackie e other day..and he suddenly said sth tt amazed me... he's not the sort tt will very much willing/ initiate a conversation tt is really deep..tho ive to admit he's smart but hate e idea of goin to njc or any so called prestigious schs...

Ever thought where have all e memories gone to? ya definitely i do, but not as deep as e other day when we talked. im not simply talkin abt rememberin e happiest & saddest times since e day on this planet. but every single second, e very thoughts tt flowed thru our mind at tt point of time. If i jus live on & on regardless how happy or sad e life i lead, will i rmb every second of my early years? many pple told me it's not impt to rmb insignificant times. e very impactful ones will be enuf to substantiate..

Rubbish! i mean if u're to say life's abt recollectin impactful n happy memories, goin thru e process & to learn... then wat is life? it's like a bag of flour bein ceaved out all , leavin only e finest... but y not collect them as it is (since u'r not goin to bake a cake wit it..oops lol)

but maybe this is wad cams r for.. but obviously u dun take pics every second .. maybe tts e best u can have:

But wat else do we shop fer in life?

Budget?

(to be continued)

2005-12-21T09:01:00.000+08:00

damn.. my last insert was last month... been really busy.. erm.. not really
been helpin my aunt at her office n obviously i get paid n obviously u'll be thinkin "it's ok as long as u get paid", but the prob is i noe nuts abt admin stuff...... all those weird documents & all those shit.. ive typed several documents wrongly.. mixed up e code and all tt...
i didnt have a gd slp e previous nite.. so i felt lik a total zombie..& it's so embarrassin la
my mind was .. erm i duno... floatin.. jus not able to concentrate. and e numbers r so big & long...
i tried doin mental calculation(lik wat iv always enjoyed doin. sadistic rite?)..

but apparently i spent 15 min starin at e numbers... & i actually picked up e fax phone sayin "hello mornin ,erecon, may i noe who's this speakin?" (which u actually dun have to pick up e fax call becos no one will answer u)
so retarded!
everyone's goin on overseas trip la! darn unfair.. Pam went US.. Matt went hk .. Sly went hk ... tt Peter wong's still dollin himself in hk... FM went thai too.. hai.. even Nic yong gets to go aust fer competition & Gerald to NZ fer class trip.. rich kids frm raffles .. i dun even have a class trip tt leaves Sg !! even peng peng's off to china...now tt she;s back .. wonder what she;s got me... lol...
apparently it's workin hours now & i seriously duno wat im doin online at this point of time when theres still so much work to do ..
O anyway i was tellin my cousins tt day tt kids shldn't watch Sesame Streets becos it sorta portary some kinda misconception.. u see, Big Bird is neither male nor female.. so it's bisexual.. but it is non-sexual too.. same goes for elmo... tho my fren tinks elmo is female...SO KIDS SHLDN't WATCH SESAME STREET!!!! it is more or less a wrong kind of education.. ey'll start doubtin their sexuality.. muhahahahahaahah so maybe tts how les became less n gays became gays...overdose of sesame street brings abt sexual self-confusion. but Benny said " no.. it's wrong to wrong sesame streets!" sth lik tt .. u cant deny tt it's wrong tho, esp when it comes frm some1 so smart..lol
but Pam keeps insisting tt Pooh is gay & Piglet got raped by Pooh.. i seriously duno where she got this crap frm...

looks perfectly fine to me wad!! supposingly piglet's a male.. well, then this pic is awfully gay... but maybe it's bi...lol

so Pooh didnt rape piglet... even tho u may argue tt pooh's touchin piglet in e above pic.. but tt doesnt mean anything... yup .. pam beta not read tis or else she'll start pinchin me again(i'll rmb wad u did to me on the 18th of Nov 2005, pam sia! lol)

2005-11-28T11:08:00.000+08:00

hello everyone!!! please tag on the commentary section instead of just reading n then text me ur comments via hps... so u see, thats wat e commentasy section is for!!!!! hmmmfff... hohoho

Why stand on same ground when you're so afraid of battling along the same side as me?

2005-11-27T18:05:00.000+08:00

Phase 7:

"i'm going to let it all go & give it all up..."

"why allow past experiences retard present progress?"

"i'm scared. what would u feel when you've no one in school?! how would u feel huh?! So i LOVE shutting myself up at home....isolation's definitely the best medicine"

" ...i hate myself. i dun rmb when it started. I'm not excelling, i'm not doing things right, i don't fit-in in school.. why are my grades so horrible?!!! why can't i get out of this life? why are things getting worst & worst? why am i ever so pessimistic? is it really so hard to get out? ive tried, ive given up. then tried again, but nth seems right... can god hear my cry?..."

"why push so hard in life? you may have no energy left to stand on your own... my dear"

"u noe nuts alright... i'm used to failing.. but the fear just gets deeper...it happened back then at 12.. and then 4 yrs later, now. Again? no.. i really cant afford to let it happen again!!!!!"

" weed them out, keep them out, sweep them out. you cant lways keep weeds out. but that doesnt mean you shld give up."

" c'mon girl..."

"get out!!!!!"

"no, listen. Enjoy your life, don't endure. why are u doing this to urself? Life gets easier and lighter when u can let go."

"you dun understand.. i hate it when mum gets so upset jus becos her daughter's not doing as well as her son or her nieces. i hate to be the black sheep! no one out there is willing to listen! people out there jus shut me out becos im frm a neighbourhood sch... "

"i am"

"NO!"

"Life is as simple or as difficult as you make it.We have to live, live , live before leaving.And life's greatest service is to upset you, for in that process, you will learn."

" the squiggly caterpillar metamorphoses to become a beautiful butterfly. So are you slowly metamorphosing into a beautiful person? why do u refuse to metamorphose? Excuses, excuses, excuses!!! how long are you going to clutch at these crutches?!!"

"hush now.. no more tears, my dear"

"let's go now. Take my hands & i'll take you on a wonderful journey..."

who's she talking to? hmm beats me... lol

BLACK AND/OR WHITE

2005-11-27T17:07:00.000+08:00

Phase 6:

what is wrong with you people?!!!!!
Neither did i betray you nor want the post! you can have it all you want... but YOU guys are people who stick by rules and are ruled by rules. No wonder you people behave like rulers.. rigid & wooden. Not like im self bragging but if u think you are the best .. for god's sake, think twice...the world is so huge!!! u think u can ever compare with people frm hc raffles acs? Maybe that'll never happen becos u nv listen! And i'd nv wanted that post! You can bad mouth me all u want to the entire.. but i seriously chose to shut my ears. i dun want ur virus.. you've never said a "thank you" after all those stuff i've helped you but

why do u keep giving me insignificant things to do? are you trying to stop me from producing a masterpiece?

it's all right to knock coconuts off a game stand, but dont go round knocking people off!!! u ****ing piece of shit!!

...TO BE CONTINUED

2005-11-25T14:36:00.000+08:00

ALas!!!

i found my direction!! i know where i wanted to go. but along a road of trials & errors.. and according to my dearest fren, ng laypeng... i am said to have contracted a mental disease or somewhat like tat... It's scientifically called "kakorrhaphiophobia"

And for your information, being a head prefect in my school is not big deal... You can get as big as u can go, but the privileges move way beyond the "poverty line". So at the end of the day, you are afterall a traditional prefect chained with conventional rules... the chains jus go on and on around your neck .. and i could HARDLY BREATHE!!!
what i mean by "hardly breathe" is that i couldn't voice out any shit that i have to say...
And teachers, hods, vp and even e principal knew i had alot of shit to say, so somehow i was avoided as if i had contracted tuberculosis...
these people jus need to get some kicks in the head... can't imagine teachers to say "can't go jc go poly lo... aiya these kinda neighbourhood schs one no need to go good jcs la"

It's clearly stated in the SOCIAL STUDIES TEXTBK that "every young Singaporean has the opportunity to stretch their abilities to the fullest" and the schools will be the ones carrying out such important tasks. So how can anyone in MY school ever get to STRETCH TO THEIR FULLEST?! nevermind abt the bengs & lians & yalams & nerds & snobs & bimbo-wannabes... there are fallen angels waitin to be saved! get your perspectives clear!!

So i have decided to do a total reform. Apparently my school needs a new school committe....so....

The New Staff Committee of FTPSS

PRINCIPAL: LEE KUAN YEW
He's the best man u can ever have.Its's better than Raffles' or HCI's principal. yes i know he's freaking strict. But without this man, Singapore will not have her prides today.

VICE-PRINCIPAL: CHERIE LECK JIN WEN
Behind every successful man there's a woman... i mean girl... but being a head prefect is like an oversized fish in a tiny tank. im not bragging, ok. And oversized doesnt mean fat.Unlike some cat who loves calling me fei mei.. ok enuff abt tt... it's me me me

HEAD OF SCHOOL COMMITTEE: BENNY TAN
ERM...he's my cousin and i tink he's really capable despite the height.. yeah .. so he's hired..

HEAD OF SCIENCE DEPARTMENT: ISSAC NEWTON
Obviously everyone knows him.. and the reason why i chose him over mr einstein, is tt he defines gravity. not much of a reason tho.. i just prefer him alright.

HEAD OF LANGUAGES: lORD VOLDERMORT
he speaks parsel tongue(is this how u spell it?)... & he's pure english.. so students in school will be well versed in english & parsel tongues do come in handy too.. somehow...and jus with a wave of the wand, students will be getting straight A's...

HEAD OF MATHEMATICS: ________
Currently unoccupied.i cant possibly get pythagoras ... he'll jus end up setting up his new BROTHERHOOD where they start worshipping numbers again...

HEAD OF HUMANITIES: PAMELA HENDERSON
The current one in my school is some ball who needs lipo suction.. yes i know im mean but why want some tchr who doesnt give a damn... since in this case, must well get a hot one .. well pamela henderson aint tt hot too... keira knightly's still the best but too young.. we need some old hag lik ms pamela to teach history n all tt.. well, at least she bothers to go for breast enhancement.

HEAD OF PHYSICAL EDUCATION: ARNOLD SCHUZINAGER(HOW DO U SPELL IT?)
he shld jus forget abt being a mayor... why waste all those muscles?

HEAD OF TECHNICAL EDUCATION: BILL GATES
Yo man! your e best choice!!! stop lazing ard at home counting notes... it's time to do some charity!!

yeah so that's abt it.. didnt manage to get e pics cos my images seemed to hang or sth

2005-11-25T13:20:00.000+08:00

Phase 5:

THE RAINBOW CONNECTION

Those were the best (5) days she could ever ask for...

(1) "Accidentally In Love" – the Counting Crows
So she said what's the problem baby
What's the problem I don't know Well maybe I'm in love (love)
Think about it every timeI think about itCan't stop thinking 'bout it
How much longer will it take to cure this
Just to cure it cause I can't ignore it if it's love (love)
Makes me wanna turn around and face me but I don't know nothing 'bout love
Come on, come on
Turn a little faster
Come on, come on
The world will follow after
Come on, come on
Cause everybody's after love
So I said I'm a snowball running
Running down into the spring that's coming all this love
Melting under blue skies
Belting out sunlight Shimmering love
Well baby I surrender To the strawberry ice cream
Never ever end of all this love
Well I didn't mean to do it But there's no escaping your love
These lines of lightning Mean we're never alone, Never alone,
no, no Come on, Come on
Move a little closer
Come on, Come on
I want to hear you whisper
Come on, Come on
Settle down inside my love
Come on, come on
Jump a little higher
Come on, come on
If you feel a little lighter
Come on, come on
We were onceUpon a time in love
We're accidentally in love
Accidentally in love [x7]
Accidentally I'm In Love, I'm in Love, I'm in Love, I'm in Love, I'm in Love, I'm in Love,
Accidentally [x2]Come on, come on
Spin a little tighter
Come on, come on
And the world's a little brighter
Come on, come on
Just get yourself inside her Love ...
I'm in love

"Graduation (Friends Forever)" - Vitamin C

And so we talked all night about the rest of our lives
Where we're gonna be when we turn 25
I keep thinking times will never change
Keep on thinking things will always be the same
But when we leave this year we won't be coming back
No more hanging out cause we're on a different track
And if you got something that you need to say
You better say it right now cause you don't have another day
Cause we're moving on and we can't slow down
These memories are playing like a film without sound
And I keep thinking of that night in June
I didn't know much of love
But it came too soon
And there was me and you
And then we got real blue
Stay at home talking on the telephone
We'd get so excited, we'd get so scared
Laughing at ourselves thinking life's not fair
And this is how it feels

[1] - As we go on
We remember
All the times we
Had together
And as our lives change
Come Whatever
We will still be
Friends Forever

So if we get the big jobs
And we make the big money
When we look back now
Will our jokes still be funny?
Will we still remember everything we learned in school?
Still be trying to break every single rule
Will little brainy Bobby be the stockbroker man?
Will Heather find a job that won't interfere with her tan?
I keep, I keep thinking that it's not goodbye
Keep on thinking it's a time to fly
And this is how it feels

[Repeat 1]

La, la, la, la:
Yeah, yeah, yeah
La, la, la, la:
We will still be friends forever

Will we think about tomorrow like we think about now?
Can we survive it out there?
Can we make it somehow?
I guess I thought that this would never end
And suddenly it's like we're women and men
Will the past be a shadow that will follow us 'round?
Will these memories fade when I leave this town
I keep, I keep thinking that it's not goodbye
Keep on thinking it's a time to fly
[Repeat 1 (3x)]

2005-11-25T12:49:00.000+08:00

Phase 4:

The Aftermath

Sometimes you learn the most from the worst possible circumstances

New classmates.New life. New buddies.
the third year started off pretty much the same.. it's still raining, but the dark & heavy clouds were subsiding.

Classmates were those who led monotonous lives.. Books & grades were the only thing tt filled their memory. " But at least they aren't good at bitching."
Being in the best class indicated the need to mug head down from sun rise to sunset.. she didnt like such life & obviously didnt let herself move into it.. she wanted vibrance, frens & people outside school. people who had visions, those who are intellectual, explicit, capable, & great frens.... "Sigh... im never going anywhere near there..."

Results. Acedemics. Results. Acedemics.
It's the same old thing everyday... She did fine.. A girl who didnt really care...She Loves numbers & facts but she hated history & the human studies of geography. But this young girl loved Poetry. She would write poems after poems... letting the list run forever... letting her thoughts be pen.. letting her dreams magnifest...dreams? She didnt really know where she was going either.. She seemed like an aimless soul.. no talent spotted. nothing... she wasnt much willing to open & flap her wings. The tragic aftermath of depression.

The squiggly caterpillar metamorphoses to become a beautiful butterfly. So, are you slowly metamorphosing into a beautiful person? Why do you refuse to metamorphose?

2005-11-25T10:30:00.000+08:00

Phase 3:

but this was when she stepped out of her tiny home, out into the open world... She met SOMEONE, somewhere from a prestigious school. The night of meeting was thrilling. In the middle of all the excitement & heat of their cousins' wedding, their eyes met. So this was how the fairy tale began. Sweet yet spicy.
Life , assumingly, became much better. New people, new character. "Hell with my seniors n every1 in school" she thought.

yeap. so this is what you call A Twist Of Fate.

the story ended abruptly within a year. There's no THE END, nor any TO BE CONTINUED.

She lost something she grabbed on so tightly....Her love for him became a lifeless soul. But did she cry? Nah she didnt.. She prayed for a miracle, just to see one last time..

but she became someone who lost her sanity.. or should i say insanity? whichever.

" never to believe in love ever again. it doesn't exist."

"love is just a temporary delusion of the mind. Reality doesnt hold vacancy for it"

for 2 yrs now. her love for him remained etched. it needs to removed. One by one, guys who came into her life, unknowingly became substitutes. Such a sin. yes she knew it, but she couldnt help it..

"maybe it's time to let it go.."
Well, it's not MAYBE but yes you should... Enough is enough...

if u let it go
u feel free

"enough is enough"
where are those who have the courage to say that?

2005-11-24T15:16:00.000+08:00

Phase 2:

Sophomore;
Her world fell apart.She got sick of life. She got sick of being popular. Why am i so being hated in school? Popularity brought jealousy.Her results were thumbs up but she no longer took studies seriously. She didn't care. She starts hating every single thing in school, in life.Guys in school were immature & so full of themselves.... when can they ever grow up?! What made them think she could be easily picked up? She's no longer that girl. She's no longer cheap. Maybe puberty made her so. She wanted to be explicit, intellectual, an epidome of a good girl.

Life's full of ups & downs. And thunderstorms seemed to last a century.

She no longer loved trainings. And she was no longer loved.

Why do some people hate it when others standout? Why do people just enjoy ruining everything? Ain't there people who love?

She was badly hurt. Inflicted with unremoval scars. She didnt dare tell anyone, not even her family..
Isolation; Depression; pills.

Later she learnt

You think others are giving you lots of problems? Think about the problems you are giving them.

If she is spreading rumors about me, she's got a problem. but if i react in the same manner, i've caught her virus.

2005-11-24T14:20:00.000+08:00

phase 1:

13;
she wasnt sure wat laid ahead.The only thing mum said was "jus do ur part n study well. ignore all cause. u'll be like ur brother n cousins"
Softball;
she finally found a commitment.. she felt high above e rest of those of same age in school. Being a softballer was lik being in stardom. You're cool, popular, and somehow everyone thinks you looked awesome. She was picked as the main players in team within less than a month of trials. She knew she was adored. And she knew she was the best. She DID have frens. Frens who slandered, who were jealous. She didnt mind. Friendship's afterall a superficial thing, so why bother... .. so she thought.
Him(s);
guys in school WERE way cool. How she wished to be looked at. Within weeks of the new school term, her name spread across all levels. "i want a boyfren too". So the game(s) began. She didnt like them, more of infatuation. No. More for the sake of MsPopularity. She didnt know what she was doing either. The only thing that filled her mind was to have fun. Fun. yeah it was real fun being a flirt.

Those who are so full of themselves have no room for others

utopia

2005-11-13T02:35:00.000+08:00

shld i feel stupid or shld be glad tt i (finally) got a blog? apparently my add sounds (really) weird.. cos ey claimed tt "these words r not available" initailly .. so i had to come up with sth really weird n bubbly, like oak2poose,... arghhh .. hmm so where shld i start designin n everything ... im such a comp idiot...